As a Remainer, I’d like to apologise to everyone for causing the pound to tank and inflation to skyrocket because of my negativity

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When the Chancellor Philip Hammond didn’t blame me in his Budget speech, I thought I’d got away with it.

But the Internet never forgets; someone always has receipts. And after a week of reflection I can no longer ignore the damage caused by my social media posts.

It’s time to own up and apologise to the British public. I’m the one who’s been talking down the economy. I know now that it was dangerously cavalier of me to post “Cripes, what a Brexit balls up!” and causing a collapse in the pound to 30-year lows.

There’s also a direct link between my insolent Facebook posts and last week’s GDP figures, now shrivelled like testicles in the far chillier economic waters that buccaneering Britain needs to navigate. I’ve therefore edited the offending status update as follows: “Anyone else think the Northern Ireland question looks like a bit of a pickle an absolute doddle?”

The evidence that I’m to blame is irrefutable: “You can prove this is Remoaners’ fault,” said one Twitter user, channelling the entire logic of planet Vulcan. “This is by far the lowest growth rate in the developed world and no other country has Remoaners”. 

Whoever said Britain was fed up with experts?

I could follow in the footsteps of Kevin Spacey and deny that I remember any alleged wrongdoing. But that would be a lie. All I can offer is a heartfelt apology and say that I choose to live as a gay man now.  

There’s no excuse for my behaviour, but I admit to a foolish assumption that my social media following was rather limited (*waves at Mum*). Little did I know that investors, multinationals and currency speculators were more interested in my Facebook feed than the finance industry and its EU passporting rights or the £50bn Brexit bill. 

I’d like to thank those profiles, covered in never less than five UK flags emojis and Britain First hashtags for pointing out the following: tutting about inflation is treason; sighing at possible job losses is sabotage; groaning about GDP is worthy of exile. And it’s all my fault.

I’ll be honest though, I rather assumed that the fifth – sorry, sixth – largest economy on the planet was made of sterner stuff. 

But it turns out Donald Trump isn’t the world’s most delicate snowflake. Apparently the UK economy melts if someone dares to breathe dissent anywhere near it. I also feel slightly odd apologising for talking down the economy to those who actually voted it down. Especially as many of them claimed for decades that it was the EU’s policies tanking the economy, and ours with it. Makes you wonder why they never suggested positive thinking as a panacea to the euro crisis. 

Nevertheless, I take full responsibility. The Brexiteers did warn us. MPs like John Redwood never tire of saying that “the pro-EU side delight in selling the UK short”. Perhaps this explains why Redwood, as chief strategist of investment company Charles Stanley, recently told his clients to pull their money out of the UK. It’s clear who the real culprit is – Remoaners made him do it.

So, from now on, to appease the Brexiteers, I propose the following social media guidelines for the UK:

  • Union Jack filters should be added to all profile pictures whenever the currency takes a nosedive.
  • People should mark themselves as “safe” after every piece of economic bad news.
  • “Thoughts and prayers” should be sent to towns like Grimsby who heavily voted for Brexit but now wave “sick notes” in the hope of getting special treatment. For maximum effect, coordinated effort in this hashtag help could be the responsibility of a new government funded body called the Loyal Institute for Economic Sympathy (LIES).

And if it can work for Brexit, what about other policy issues? Take the housing crisis. A ban on filtered photos of avocado toast could give millennials the nudge they need to save for a deposit. And what about peace in the Middle East? Even climate change? Think of the possibilities.

So Brexiteers, you win. Social media matters. Which is ironic actually, given that the exact same sort of people have recently ridiculed public apologies for alleged xenophobic, sexist or homophobic social media posts. Just look at the response to the ex-Gay Times Editor, I’m A Celeb’s Jack Maynard, or Stormzy. They’re warning that society is returning to a time of heresy and witch hunts – yet simultaneously demanding we submit unquestioningly to the Government’s handling of our exit from the EU and to finally admit that we love Big Brexit. 

Forgive me though. Lapses are bound to happen. Just this week I posted that my brain hears the Benny Hill music whenever I read a story about David Davis’s ongoing saga with the Brexit impact reports. 

What can I say? You might want to keep a close eye on the pound.

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